Fate of the Furious

Warning, this is going to get vulgar. Because what in the balls in this fucking movie? I’ve lost less brain cells doing jagerbombs in a shitty college bar called O’Neils.

Can you believe there are 8 of these? I guess I can. Hollywood will shove sequels up our butts as long as money keeps pouring out. In a franchise old enough to vote, I can at least applaud their attempt at trying to keep it fresh. The overall theme of all these…are they spy movies now? Are they soldiers? Anyways, the theme is family. Having a member betray that theme, especially the main character Dom, is a good move. A soap opera move, but a good one. Except that they bungled it so much there’s no tension or anything resembling care for the characters.

Main plot: Dom (Vin Diesel) and his crew of somehow experts in things, are semi-retired. But the government (Kurt Russell) brings them back in for a job we see the ending of to capture a macguffin device. Mission accomplished, except Dom betrays the crew and steals the EMP to give to his new bestie, a dreadlocked uberhacker Charlize Theron. For some reason (like why didn’t the German government get this device back from the splinter group themselves?) The Rock goes to jail. Where he becomes friends with the villain of the last movie: Jason Statham.

Re-teamed up with their literal mortal enemy, the family has to find Dom and take him down. OR find out why he’s betrayed them. Spoiler alert: Charlize kidnapped his old girlfriend who unbeknownst to him had his baby.

Goddammit. Fine. Fine. I can accept this Dom baby thing as a motivating factor. I could even get around the fact that they turned Elena, the badass Brazilian cop who falls for Dom and then gives him up so he can be with Michelle Rodriguez again (abusing their female characters is this series’ bread and butter), into nothing more than a plot mover. I could even get around the fact that they (Spoiler alert) shoot her in the fucking head so she can’t pop up any more in this dumb franchise. IF THEY TOLD THE STORY RIGHT. The literal second sequence of the movie is Charlize approaching Dom and telling him she owns him now and showing him something offscreen. So we, as the audience, already know that he hasn’t ‘betrayed’ them. There are no stakes for us now. There’s no question of why he has betrayed them. Clearly Charlize has something on him. The reveal of Elena and the child is effectively wasted because of that.

Then let’s go into the bromance of the film. And it’s not Vin Diesel and The Rock who hilariously hate each other so much that they never appear on screen together. Seriously, if you feel the need to watch this garbage fire, watch how they never truly interact with each other. It’s hilarious. It makes no sense. I loved it. But the real bromance is between the possible spinoff characters, Hobbes and Shaw: The Rock and Jason Statham. A funny pairing. The hulk and spiderman based on their fighting styles. I can dig it. IF THEY DIDN’T ALREADY SET UP JASON STATHAM AS A VERY VERY BAD MAN. He literally killed a friend of the crew’s at the end of movie 6. Straight up. Not by accident. Murdered. And now he’s their buddy?!? He’s eating with them and laughing? Like he didn’t murder an entire hospital of cops to see his also murderer brother to set up how BAD he is??????

It makes me so angry. They are trying to retcon a villain even harder than Marvel is trying to retcon Loki.

Feel free to waste your money, just know you were warned.

0 out of 4 stars

 

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