Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Hoo boy. Another two hours of characters we don’t care about running from dinosaurs we also don’t care about.

First, let’s go through all the fucking similarities to The Lost World since this series can’t seem to have any original ideas.

  • Jeff Goldblum is the only character from the original series to return
  • The island is abandoned and the dinosaurs run amok.
  • A group of mercenaries tricks our heroes into going back to the island under the guise of helping the dinosaurs. They do not.
  • Dinosaurs are brought back to America. Literally to California again.
  • There’s a little girl who should not be in the movie.
  • A guy gets bit in half and eaten by two separate dinos at once.

Is that all? There’s probably more. Anyhow, I don’t hate the plot. I honestly don’t. Some long lost partner of the original John Hammond wants to save the dinosaurs from an exploding volcano. His evil assistant is instead trying to sell them off to kickstart his genetic cloning company which has bred an indoraptor whose job is to hunt enemies down by tracking a laser and listening to a noise? That part is kind of dumb.

What Fallen Kingdom suffers from is a lack of logic and storytelling designed around events rather than a natural flow. Example: Filmmakers wants a scene of a dinosaur creeping on a little girl in her bed. Good, creepy, horror scene. How does she get there? She runs and hides in bed halfway through a chase after being a very motivated little girl. There’s just no logic behind it. Or using a raptor as a weapon.

The plot veers towards a respectable theme: genetic manipulation good or bad? The bad guy chides the main characters for trying to do good, insisting that they brought this world about, now they have to live in it. But the film lands squarely in dumbass territory by saying that dinosaurs deserve to live because they are living, breathing animals. No. Not true. It’s like Planet of the Apes, I’m rooting for the humans no matter what.

Also, they save like…15 dinosaurs? Who run into the wilderness at the end like they are going to survive even one winter. The movie suggests the next episode will be a literal Jurassic World where we live alongside dinosaurs. Have you heard of the U.S. Army? I guarantee, that if the Army decided that deer should no longer exist, it would take about 5 months before they kill all the deer in the U.S. How long will it take them to hunt down a football team’s worth of slow, massive dinos?

Really, this series needs to just embrace it’s horror roots and go all in on blood and gore. At least then I might respect it. You can’t have slapstick and some guy crying while a raptor eats him in the same movie. You just can’t.

1 out of 4 stars.

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