Transformers: The Last Knight

Holy shit, there are five of these movies too?! That is mind blowingly insulting. Because any actual sign of fun/redeemability began and ended with the first film.

It’s not really worth it to talk about the plot of these movies because the next one will throw out everything that happened before like it’s own mythos just doesn’t matter to anyone with an attention span longer than a labradoodle. Which is crazy when these films always run longer than two hours.

Again, humans are hunting transformers. I can’t really blame them at this point. They are literally wrecking the planet. This plot point is barely resolved beyond a single group of soldiers deciding to side with Optimus later in the movie. The military clearly still wants to murder robots.

Speaking of Optimus, he’s bad now. And he must return to Earth to find Merlin’s staff which controls the MacGuffin which will allow planet cybertron to absorb Earth. Kind of like that other one with Leonard Nimoy. But this ones totally different you guys so shutup.

It’s a shame that Michael Bay is so good at set pieces and explosions and sooooo bad at everything else. He clearly just imagines cool action shots and then tells the 18 screenwriters chained in the basement to put them in the movie. They plead with him, “Please sir, can we make Optimus not sound like he’s reading platitudes from a self help novel?” In response, Bay turns on the electricity again and now there are only 17 screenwriters.

To be fair, The Last Knight is not the worst film in the franchise. Anthony Hopkins is kind of funny as the crazy old guy. Wahlberg threatening to punch a kid in the face always brings a smile to my face. And Stanley Tucci as a drunk Merlin is a joy. But Tucci is always a joy.

There’s just no point, no urgency, and no one to tell Bay to FUCKING STOP PUTTING IN DUMBASS SIDE CHARACTERS WHO ARE JUST ANNOYING. I’m looking at you, robot butler. And sassy latina teen. You serve no purpose in this film. Good news, it made less than Dead Men Tell No Tales, so we at least have that.

0 out of 4 stars.

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