Ghost in the Shell

Brief aside, what the flimflam is the deal with websites and me taking movie posters? Somehow, everyone makes their image fuzzy so I can’t use it on Google image search and I have to use a goddamn watermarked poster from some god knows what website. Don’t you want me to promote your movie?!

Probably not, since I’m not going to. This movie is bad.

Not so much bad, as boring. Ghost in the Shell is so similar to it’s name that it might have been made this way on purpose. Based on the popular comic, Ghost brings us to a faraway future in some futuristic multi-cultural city. Major (Johansson) is mostly a robot. The only thing remaining of her past is her brain that a clearly evil robotics industry put inside a death machine. Honestly the plot is so fucking predictable I don’t care about ruining it. Major struggles with her identity, has flashbacks of memories she shouldn’t have, discovers a corporation is evil, and the terrorist she is chasing used to be her boyfriend.

It’s like watching season 3 of an 8 season show. But the creators insist you have to be high before you start it. And I don’t take instructions from some no-good hippies. The CGI is bad, and then good, and then bad again. They clearly spent all their money on ScarJo, who does a….fine job. She’s good in some scenes and bad in others, really averaging out her super average character.

Who gives a shit what happens to her or any of her teammates? Here’s how they are characterized: the one who has a hard-on for dogs, the one who likes to drink, the one who’s racist against people with machine body parts, the woman in the background, and the leader who wants to be Asian John Wayne.

Her boyfriend, Keyser Soze or whatever he calls himself (Coozie maybe? Like, the drink protector?) fucking murders people left and right and Major’s all I gotta stop him and then she finds out he’s her boyfriend and she’s like nah he’s cool. Just killed innocent people but he’s cool.

There’s only one scene of worth in this flaming pile of refuse, when Major and her team are interrogating a suspect who they think is a terrorist. But they learn that Coozie has planted false memories in his mind and used his robotic parts to hack him to do his bidding. Extremely well-acted by the poor sod, this is the scariest part of the future Ghost in the Shell predicts. Where terrorists can force good people to do bad things.

Slick action and a nearly naked ScarJo can’t make up for a by-the-numbers plot and characters no one cares about. Add in a stupid boss fight and you’ve got a really empty husk of a film. If only something was actually inside that husk, haunting it, making it seem more human and alive.

.5 out of 4 stars.

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